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Tag Archives: parenting

April 18, 2018
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christincrollcarlson
Household Management, Parenting, Stay connected with kids
Build memories, Build trust, communication, connecting, Household Management, older kids, parenting

Turning the phone off at night

April 18, 2018 Household Management, Parenting, Stay connected with kids Leave a comment

Good morning! Happy Wednesday, Mamma. Halfway there.

Our little phone-off experiment was, in my mind, a wonderful success. I had forgotten what it was like to just BE THERE with no interruptions. I raised my kids their whole childhoods with no-TV-ever and no-screen-time-except-on-weekends rules. The ever-present screen of the Smart Phone just snuck past me as a distraction.

We talked. We made dinner. Wait, back to that first one: we TALKED. And laughed. And I loved it. Wish I had thought of this sooner. Teen One talked to me about possible career options. Teen Two talked about being nervous to move away.

And you know what else? It was peaceful. Peaceful like I had forgotten home could be.

When I went back to the phone at 9:00 I had two fun texts from friends that I answered and two computer generated voicemails from scammers.

I like this plan.

Another thing I did differently yesterday was to use video-phone when checking in with my kiddo at college. It is a far better form of communication. The face tells you so much. Our company is going to all video communication, I suspect for the same reason.

On business trips, of course, I’ll keep the phone on, but from now on, at home, 6-9 is no-phone-zone. I might even make it from 5-9, we’ll see.

Stay connected to those kiddos. And carve out some peace for yourself in the midst of the storm. Your home. Your family. Your refuge.

With love,

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April 4, 2018
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christincrollcarlson
Parenting, Stay connected with kids
communication, kids, parenting

The importance of talking with our kids

April 4, 2018 Parenting, Stay connected with kids Leave a comment

Please read this super quick article. Talking with our kids is absolutely essential.

Last week, I sat across from a mom, on vacation with her three and four year old, who went through a three and a half hour cross-country flight talking to her children precisely once: “Mommy, I have to go potty.” “Okay, honey.” Otherwise, she watched her movies (one , ironically, about a devoted father who goes to the ends of the earth to protect his children) and kiddos played with their iPads. I saw the children try to get her attention six times. SIX TIMES. Mommy? Mommy, look at this! And she kept watching her movie. It was all I could do not to lean across the aisle and say, “What is it kiddo? Show me.”

I raised my kids without TV and without iPads. They got one hour of screen time or one movie on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. Otherwise, we read or we talked. We played. Endless Candyland, books, forts, walks outside. It is possible. It is crucial. They don’t care if you’re tired. You’re still so very important to them. And they need to know they’re important to you.

This MIT study confirms what an earlier UCLA study found. If we want our children to develop to their potential (nevermind having a healthy relationship with them), we need to talk with them.

http://www.wbur.org/commonhealth/2018/02/14/mit-brain-study

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January 27, 2018
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christincrollcarlson
Joy, Life is short. Go Play., Saturday - play day!, Stay connected with kids
connecting, ideas for family activities, kids, parenting, Saturday

What to do on a Saturday :)

January 27, 2018 Joy, Life is short. Go Play., Saturday - play day!, Stay connected with kids Leave a comment

Good morning, darling. Is it still quiet in your house? I’m sitting here, dog asleep on the sofa opposite, blanket around my shoulders, kiddos still fast asleep upstairs. Cup of tea, good book, thanking God for simple blessings. Lovely morning.

What do you have teed up for today? Yummy Saturday. Life is short, go play. You don’t need to spend a ton of money, you don’t even need to leave the house. But take a break from your grown-up-ness to do something playful today.

Build a fort of chairs and blankets with the kiddos, bring snacks in there and read a book out loud by flashlight. I am a huge fan of forts. I would often leave them up all weekend because they make me smile.

Or bake together. I love that still, even now when they no longer have to stand on a chair to stir the batter. It’ll make the whole house smell delicious and you can have cookies and milk later in your fort.

Or Candyland, on the floor, of course. Now that I think it, why did we always play Candyland on the floor? No matter. Do you know, as teens and early twenties, my kids talked at Christmas about how much they loved playing Candyland?! And about how loved they felt when we confessed, years later, that we cheated to let them win?

Whatever you do today, let it fill your heart. Let it lift all the burdens that inevitably piled up over the work week. Set aside the worry about next Tuesday’s national pilot. Set aside the gnawing awareness of admin that is never done. Set aside the consideration of going for that promotion. While you are with your kids (precious, precious time) just let that stuff evaporate from your mind. It’ll float off and settle onto your desk and, I promise, will be waiting for you on Monday. And you’ll have plenty of time to pick it up on Monday and do a spectacular job.

For now, kiddos. For now, be Mommy. For now, play! Best job in the world.

With love,

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January 8, 2018
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christincrollcarlson
Courage, Parenting
kids, older kids, parenting

Kids and screen time

January 8, 2018 Courage, Parenting Leave a comment

Front page of the Wall Street Journal today, A1, “Investors Prod Apple On Child iPhone Use”. The article is about the “growing public-health crisis of youth phone addiction”.

A group of investors, together with the California State Teacher’s retirement system, sent a letter to Apple on Saturday asking them to both develop new apps that will help parents more easily control their kids’ phone use, and to study the effect of overuse on kids’ mental health.

A little like asking Phillip Morris to study the effects of smoking on our lungs, but well asked, at any rate.

I’ve posted here before on the some of the data coming out about the effects of too much screen/phone time on our kids.

Here’s the deal. You do have power here. You buy the phone, you pay the monthly bill, you are the parent. Please, do not be afraid of your children’s disapproval or the disapproval of your friends who have chosen to do it differently from you. You know in your gut what is right for your kids, do that.

If you’re curious, here’s how my husband and I handled this (and, for what it’s worth, our children are all straight-A students with normal BMIs who still enjoy talking with us).

No screen time Mon-Thurs during the school year. That’s right, zero. If you need to be on the computer to research something, you do it in a room with the door open where I can see you. (And then I go check on them multiple times.) One hour of screen time or one movie per day Fri, Sat and Sun. No smart phone till you have accepted an offer to attend college at the university of your choice. (Or military branch, or mission field, but no smart phone till you have stepped on the path of your adult life direction.)

My daughter told her friends we were Amish.

What did they do when that (horror!) boredom set in? They rode their bikes, they build fairy houses out of sticks and rocks, they read actual, paper, books. I had and still have an “art cart” in the kitchen, just to the side of the kitchen table, stocked with play-dough, little plastic cookie-cutters, crayons, paper of all kinds, water colors etc. They wrote and performed plays. (Note, do not put blue food coloring in the whipped-cream for the pie-in-face big dramatic finish.) They played board games with each other. My now sixteen year old spent literally hours shooting hoops.

At 6’2″, Mr. JV Basketball Player still has only a flip phone.

Their minds are rich ground for growth at this age. They can learn languages like we learn a new recipe for chicken. They are building the bone strength that will last them the rest of their lives (but only if they are using their bodies). They, we hope, are learning how to meet and talk to other actual human beings.

You do what is right for your kids. You don’t have to listen to me; you don’t have to do it the way we did. But, for sure, if there is something you want to do for them but are afraid to, look to that, sister. And be brave.

With love,

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October 15, 2017
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christincrollcarlson
Household Management, Parenting, Stay connected with kids
Build memories, Build trust, communication, connecting, kids, older kids, parenting

How can I get closer to my kids?

October 15, 2017 Household Management, Parenting, Stay connected with kids Leave a comment

Good morning, Mamma. You know I hardly ever post on Sundays. But I have an idea for you. Something I hope you try tonight.

See, my family has done a Sunday night family meeting for forever; around fourteen years now. Ever since our youngest was just a toddler. This is a cornerstone of our family.

We take turns being the leader (we let the kids start taking turns as leader once they turned 3 years old); the leader gets to pick Sunday night dinner, dessert and leads the meeting.

The coolest part of this years-long tradition is that it has allowed me to get to know my children. And it’s given me a tool to let them know me too. I know who is struggling with school. I know what subject they feel they are doing best in. I found out when the neighbor kids were being mean. I know who loves to be outdoors. I found out what their favorite dinner was and how they felt about my being gone for work. They heard about my week. How I missed them, what crazy stuff I did to get home in time for the soccer game.

It also taught them listening and leadership. And they know each other. Huge.

We open with a short, simple prayer, we close with a prayer, and in between we talk about our week. The best stuff, the toughest stuff, stuff we’re proud of or were hurt by. If there are any outstanding issues, we address them here. (Okay, so we need to talk about where we are going for Thanksgiving this year…)

When they were little it was simple: I liked playing on the playground this week. I liked that mom made pudding. Yesterday, with my now grown children, we talked about a recent suicide on campus. Huge conversation. So valuable.

Over the years, we’ve talked about everything it seems. Why are some kids mean? Why are some grown-ups mean? What does it mean to be a good person, a good member of this family, a good student? We’ve talked about failure. Failure is an inevitable and important part of life. Gracious in victory and gracious in defeat, I tell my kids. You’re going to fail, that’s not the important part, the important part is what you do after you fail. What did you learn? How will you do things differently moving forward? You know we still love you, right?

My husband typically adds the humor, as needed. Our youngest is fast picking up that torch. It’s a good skill.

NO phones. Phones have to be in another room and on silent. No TV. Just family sitting in a circle, listening to each other.

Try it tonight. A family meeting. Get your husband’s buy-in because you guys are a team, and then, sure, just spring it on the kiddos. Tell them this afternoon. We’re going to do this thing after dinner tonight. Pick an object (we use a wooden spoon) to be your Talking Thing. Whoever is in possession of (in our house) The Talking Spoon is the one holding the floor. Our job is to listen to and respond to that person. We pass the Talking Spoon back to the leader as our sign that we are done with our turn.

It probably won’t be perfect the first go-round, but try. You’ll be AMAZED at what you find out about your kids. And they’ll be amazed to find you listening to them.

With love,

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October 9, 2017
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christincrollcarlson
Money, Parenting
Budget, God, older kids, parenting

Talk to your kids about hard things

October 9, 2017 Money, Parenting Leave a comment

Good morning, Mommy. Happy Monday!

Talk to your kids about hard things. Sex. Money. Drugs and alcohol. Pornography. Self-respect.

Yes, I get it, these are reeeeally hard to talk about. Definitely squirmy, uncomfortable stuff here, but, sister, if not you, who? You kids need you. They need you. It’s Monday. You have time to plan for this. Start planning for an important talk this weekend.

You talk to them about not getting into cars with strangers, you tell them to look both ways before they cross the street. Stranger abduction is not very likely (thank God) but there is a 100% chance your kids will have to deal with money, sex and alcohol. Help them be ready for it.

My husband and I talked to our kids about sex, sexuality and relationships when they were in 5th grade. We wanted them to hear about it from us first and within the context of our values. Every Wednesday night, over about eight weeks, we covered basic plumbing, how the plumbing works together to make babies, relationships (stranger, acquaintance, friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, fiancé, spouse), oxytocin, and what makes for a good relationship (mutual respect, laughter, honesty, shared values). We used portions of three different textbooks. We’re Christian, so we talked about what God set out as the ideal relationship (monogamy, marriage, love and respect) and why he might have designed it that way.

We talked to our kids about money when they turned sixteen. Well, actually, we shared information with them about our budgeting much earlier than that, but we went with them to meet with a financial planner at sixteen, and then had them open an Options House account and invest a large chunk of their own money. We showed them Dave Ramsey. We watched MaxOut together and talked about debt. At eighteen they opened their own savings and checking accounts.

We have alcoholism and drug addiction in our family, so it was crucial that we talk to our kids about this. We didn’t pull any punches. We explained genetics to them and about how the earlier they drank or tried drugs, the higher the likelihood that they would turn the addictive genes on. We told them that even if their friends tried these things with no ill effect, because of our genetics, they just couldn’t take the chance. We showed them good scientific information and paid them the respect of believing that they were competent enough to understand it. We practiced, out loud, things they could say when they were challenged on their decision not to drink.

Pornography is destroying lives. Be brave, sister. Step up and talk to your kids about the danger of objectifying another human being this way. If your kids have smart phones, know what they are doing. In my opinion, you have every right to ask about this. Privacy? Please. If they had a stranger in their bedroom you’d damn sure want to know who they were and what they were doing with your kids. Strangers are coming into your kids’ rooms through that phone. This is much more likely to be hurting them than the stranger in the car you warned them about. (Frankly, my kids didn’t get smart phones till they had accepted placement at the college of their choice at roughly age eighteen. It was Prehistoric Flip Phones before that. No Facebook, Snapchat or Instagram either. I told them to tell their friends that we were Amish.) That Oxytocin system (which I believe God put in place to bind us to another person because relationships can be hard) can be broken, sure, but why would you want to do that? Why would you want to make this beautiful part of life into something sordid? How would you benefit from that? You won’t. They won’t either and they need you to be brave enough to talk about it.

Your kids need you. Brave the words, sister. Sometimes parenting is hard. But this hard stuff is so important.

With love,

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August 17, 2017
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christincrollcarlson
Joy, Life is short. Go Play., Parenting, Stay connected with kids
Build memories, communication, connecting, ideas for family activities, parenting, Saturday

What should we do this weekend?

August 17, 2017 Joy, Life is short. Go Play., Parenting, Stay connected with kids Leave a comment

Good morning, Mamma. Happy Thursday! Stay connected to your kids day. Your day to look at the week so far and assess your family ties. Your day to decide what’s good and what needs to change and to plan the weekend.

I recently had an opportunity to ask my daughter what she remembered. Of all the hours and days and years I spent parenting that child, what were her favorite memories?

She was glad to be close to her siblings. I staunchly refused to referee in their little disputes when they were growing up. “He hit me!” “You two are going to be together for the rest of your lives. It is up to you whether that relationship is going to be a good one or a bad one. Now go downstairs and work out a compromise and then come up here and tell Daddy and I what you worked out.” When they were little, and arguing over a toy, we never bothered to find out who had “started it”. We immediately took the toy away and put it in the top of a closet. They got all their toys back on Sunday. Some weeks, that closet got crowded.

She loved the times we spent outdoors. Camping, kayaking, simply hiking through a local park. This is so easy to put together, and some of her very favorite memories came from these times together outdoors. She loved climbing trees and canoeing and hiking to have outdoor lunch on the top of 3,000 ft high mountain. A baby mountain, yes, but a challenge for a kid, and one of her favorite memories.

She loved our girly shopping days. It didn’t matter if our shop was at TJ Maxx, Nordstrom or a consignment store, what she loved was being together, just the two of us, and putting outfits together that let her feel classy, fashionable, womanly. We talked a lot as she was growing up about “what your style says about you and how it will impact people’s expectations of you”. She was grateful for those lessons.

She loved when Daddy would get up on a Saturday and make from scratch waffles with strawberry compote. She loved it when I decorated her locker the morning I had to leave for a business trip on her birthday (showed up at her school at 6:45 to do it, flight left at 8:10, that was a close one). She loved it when we would make buttered popcorn, sprinkle it with frozen Junior Mints and snuggle up in front of a movie. She loved it when we skipped the Super Bowl party and went skiing at a local resort. We had the hills all to ourselves and the night was gorgeous.

Make some memories this weekend, Mamma. Give them something to take to college with them someday. You’re both going to need it.

With love,

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August 1, 2017
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christincrollcarlson
Life is short. Go Play., Parenting, Stay connected with kids
Build memories, older kids, parenting

My daughter is going to college

August 1, 2017 Life is short. Go Play., Parenting, Stay connected with kids Leave a comment

Good morning, dear. How are you? I have seven days left with my daughter before she leaves for college. It has been the outside of my ability to keep myself together these last two weeks.

It’s been two weeks of retrospective. Two weeks of well-how-did-I-do? Two weeks of just trying to sit with the reality that my day-in and day-out parenting of this child is coming to an end to be replaced by something else – still parenting, but from a distance and on an as-needed basis. And the regret, no avoiding that.

This weekend, while daughter was on a special sea-kayaking trip with little brother and dad (he can’t even talk about her leaving), I went to a beautiful park with two of my nephews. There’s a creek there with a beautiful natural pool. They splashed while I sat on the edge and thought.

Sharing my little rock ledge was a young mom with her husband and her two little ones, ages four and six. Both kiddos would go careening out into the water, splashing and stomping and then come back to mom. Out into the world, back to mom. Out and back. And yes, I know, I pray, my daughter will come back. And I know it will be a little different when she does.

It was all I could do not to grab this woman by the shoulders and weep, “Pay attention! Love this! Enjoy this! It won’t last forever!”  When one of her kiddos accidentally came back to me instead of his mom (getting me a little wet in the process) she hurried to apologize. I assured her that I didn’t mind in the least and it gave us an opening to talk.

I told her about my daughter getting ready for her independence. We talked about the constant pull back to home from our jobs. She and I had both left jobs that required us to be away from home too much and neither of us had the tiniest bit of regret for that decision. We both found jobs that allowed for a better balance, more flexibility. We talked about the fact that, while we occasionally hated our jobs, occasionally even despised the work that took us from our kids, we were grateful for that work too. Grateful to keep a toe in the outside world, grateful to be a financial full-partner in the marriage, grateful to always be hungry for time with our kids.

“It’s great to talk to someone that gets it,” She said.

I get it.

Love your life, Mamma. Love the imperfect wonderful mess of it.

Because you only get to live this bit for a little while.

When your kiddo is ready to move on, when you are the one sitting on your sofa with their moving boxes all around you, wondering if you did a good job, thinking about how much you’ll miss kiddo’s smile, I hope you have very few regrets, tens of thousands of lovely memories, and a rock solid relationship with kiddo, ready to grow to the next place.

With love,

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July 3, 2017
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christincrollcarlson
Household Management, Parenting, School for Mommy?, Stay connected with kids
Choose your career, parenting, Perfection?, Work

Should I go back to work?

July 3, 2017 Household Management, Parenting, School for Mommy?, Stay connected with kids Leave a comment

Good morning, Mamma. Good weekend? I hope so. I am meeting a friend this morning for coffee. We’re going to talk about what it’s like to be a Working Mommy. She asked to meet me to hear about my experience working and mothering as she considers re-entering the workforce after fifteen years away.  “You’ve got great kids and they still seem to like you. How do you do it?” (Best compliment EVER.)

My friend has been, in my opinion, a really great stay-at-home mom. I don’t know why she’s looking at going back to work-in-the-outside-world. I imagine I’ll find out this morning.

What will I say? I’ve thought a lot about this madness. Talked to my daughter about it just this weekend and she considers her own career path. I plan to give my friend encouragement and harsh realities. This life is a mixed gift pack.

I’ll tell her some of what sucks about this gig; and there are days that suck.

I’ll tell her that there is no way this will be easy or perfect. That she is going to miss a lot. (I still struggle with feelings of hate for the nanny who told me she witnessed my kid’s first steps while I was away at work that day.) I’ll tell her there will be pain. (Mandatory meeting on your child’s birthday. Days when you get home after they’ve gone to bed or leave before they wake up. Times when she’ll lose her temper at home because something stressful happened at work and she can’t get it out of her head.) That she and her husband (and kids, hers are pre-teen and teenagers) will have to reconfigure the care-of-the-house partnership; and that she will have to be okay with the way they fold laundry. That, in all likelihood, she’ll still have to be the ones to remind them to do their jobs because, even though she is working outside the home, she’ll still be the mom. I’ll tell her that there will be days when she is so tired that she could fall asleep on the sofa at night, fully dressed, briefcase still in hand. (But her kids will think it’s funny; and her husband will offer to make dinner; mine did.)

And I’ll tell my friend what she’s going to get for all that hassle and pain.

She’ll get a sense of herself that is her own, independent of her relationships with her family, and that sense of self builds a confidence that her children and husband will feel.

She’ll get her own income. This, in my experience, helps to foster a more equal partnership in the marriage as she will know that she earned the money she is spending. There will be less risk of feeling like she has to ask her husband about how to spend ‘his’ money.

She’ll get a break from the constant vigilance about the welfare of her family that is the part and parcel of motherhood. She’ll come back home hungry to be with them and excited to hear about their days. I’ll tell her what it’s like to blow through the front door at the end of the day and have the kids scream, “Mommy!”

She’ll get a variety in her days and life that can light her imagination and energize her mind. Her husband and children can share in this lit-up mind when she shares it with them. I’ll encourage her to talk about her work day at home because it can be very cool to tell your kids about that part of their life. It also models this kind of conversation for them so that they may turn around and tell you about their days too.

And I’ll caution her.

I’ll caution her not to spend too much of her life and mind and time at work. Work, in many ways, is easier than motherhood. Work, in many ways is easier than marriage. Work sure as fire is easier than cleaning the house. But there is a price to be paid if you let yourself get drawn away too much. Oh, make no mistake, there will be a price to pay no matter what, but the degree, the amount you agree to pay in family togetherness, that is up to us and I’ll tell my friend to be aware of this and be careful.

I’ll tell her it’s important to pick a job with flexibility so that she can protect that family time. I’ll tell her about the chickenpox rule: If your child came down with the chickenpox, could you stay home from work that day? If the answer is no, then that is not a Working-Mommy-Friendly job and you probably want to keep looking.

I’ll caution her about the guys at work who will be a little flirtatious. Too flirtatious. Because she will be dressed up and beautiful everyday, and so will they. Because she will never have to yell at them to fix the toilet. Because they will never yell at her for spending too much on the towels. Too easy, complete mirage, so dangerous.

In the end, I’ll lay out the good, the bad, the mess of it. I’ll tell her that I didn’t have a choice, I had to work. I’ll tell her that even though I have great kids, even though they still like me and even though I missed my work when I got to stay home with them for several months, even though… I still hate working some days, and I still dream about what it would have been like to be with them when they were little.

Nobody gets a perfect life.

But life doesn’t have to be perfect, to be wonderful.

Have a great week, Mommy.

With love,

 

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June 27, 2017
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christincrollcarlson
Stay connected with kids, Work
Build trust, Choose your career, connecting, Home-making, kids, Meal planning, parenting, Work

I’m working too much

June 27, 2017 Stay connected with kids, Work Leave a comment

Good morning, Working Mommy. How are you? Are you remembering to be a mom and wife and friend and athlete in addition to being the worker bee?

Work is seductive. The money, the recognition, the calls from your boss… they can draw you in till you look up and 90% of your life is work.

Take care, Mamma. This can happen in seasons, sometimes it has to, but please don’t let it happen for too long. This is your life we’re talking about, your whole life. Your children are only little for a very, very short time. Don’t miss it.

I’ve just finished five, no wait, six weeks of massively intensive work. It has been productive, exciting and fun. I’m doing really well; my product is doing really well; I expect bonuses and more recognition to follow. I’ve skipped workouts, family dinners, and time with friends. I’ve eaten crap food on the run.

AND my family has paid a price.

No, no excuses, and don’t tell me it’s okay. They do pay a price when I work like this. And so do I.

So, starting today, I very consciously, very intentionally go back to a more rational balance in my life.

Because there is no amount of money that can buy my relationship with my family.

With love,

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