Tag Archives: Marriage

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Husband, Not what I planned
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Making a marriage work

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Hey, girl, good morning. How are you? Rocking the day with a sparkle or a little fatigued today?

I’m in the latter category this morning. Up late arguing with husband. Always a good time. If you’ve been married for more than a month, I’m guessing you’ve been here.

So, yes, it sucked and was unpleasant and ate up many hours of what would have been sleep, but we ended in a better place, with a better understanding of each other and of ourselves, so that was good. Very good, actually.

But the getting there – oy.

Living a life entwined exclusively with one other person – nothing better, in my opinion, for us or our kids, but also so much work. So. Much. Work.

Here are my needs. What are your needs? Here is my energy. Do you have energy? Do you have energy for the laundry? I’ll trade you the laundry for the bills? No? Okay, I’ll do the bills and you do laundry and dog throw-up, deal? Yo! Fever of 104! Drop everything and call the doctor! You call, I’ll get the cool water and wash cloth! And romance. Romance? Um, how does Friday look for you?

It’s this constant negotiation and adjustment and to-and-froing on the fly, all while the kids are watching and learning what love is supposed to look like.

It’s pouring yourself out in generosity. It’s receiving gifts that may be different from what you expected. It’s communication and forgiveness and determination to make it work.

It’s like the deer’s line about coffee in Open Season: terrible and wonderful all at the same time.

So, if you are sparkly and high energy today, awesome, congrats and please enjoy every minute of it, Mamma, I love days like that.

If you, like me, are a little dragging and tired and spent from working on life today (or last night), then my heart goes out to you, and please know that you are not alone. Have an extra cup of coffee, darling, and breathe. And know, please know, that this is not disaster; it’s part of the dance.

The dance, the dance. The long, complicated, unexpected, substantial, funny, important, wonderful, life-long dance.

Love. It’s a verb.

With love,

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What should I tell my daughter about relationships?

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Good morning, Mamma!  Happy Friday!  Are you ready for the weekend?  Me too.

I watched a video called “Fish Love” with my daughter last night. She has been asking me about relationships lately, how you “know” a person is the right person for you. The video was part of a much longer conversation she and I have been having for years.

We had six hours in the car on a college visit earlier this week, just she and I. It was wonderful. Epic. I loved it so much.

A little background: We don’t let our kids date till they’re sixteen.  Our son chose to date a bit in high school; our daughter has not dated yet (she’s a senior now, eighteen.) She hasn’t taken any kind of dramatic vow, and it’s not that she hasn’t been asked, she’s had a number of very sweet and respectful what-are-you-doing-this-weekends from half a dozen boys and one girl (that was an interesting conversation). 

She and her friends go out – swing dancing, movies, museums.  They get together to run, to play Frisbee, to play board games at home with mom bringing snacks to them by the plateful. 

I wish I had been so smart.

My daughter, to her credit, doesn’t want to date for the sake of dating.  She has decided to wait until she finds someone she can imagine being with for the long run. She has started thinking very seriously about this recently so the depth and intensity of our conversations has ramped up.

You need to respect each other, I told her, that’s a must-have. You don’t want someone you need to walk behind, nor someone you have to drag along, you want someone who will stand side-by-side with you and pull the plow together.

And it helps if you have that playful thing going; life gets hard, play will help to get you through those times. You have to be able to communicate, even when it’s hard; if you’re afraid to talk to him, the relationship won’t work. And you have to have trust, that’s another must-have. It’s not that neither of you will make mistakes, in fact, I guarantee both of you will make mistakes, it’s just that you need to know in your core that your man will choose to be there for the long-haul, even when it’s hard. I told her that it helps if you have similar taste – not that you have to like all the same things, but you have to have some kind of shared interest. (And I-want-to-kiss-you is important, but it isn’t enough of a shared interest.)

Whomever you pick, no matter how wonderful they are, they will be imperfect, and they will eventually do something to hurt you, and you, by the way, aren’t perfect either, you will do something at some point that will hurt them too.  You just have to look at the balance, the good and the difficult, the supports and the hurts, and ideally choose someone who will bring more joy than pain into the relationship.

Whomever you pick, it will be work. Everything in life takes work. It doesn’t matter if you’re talking about a garden, a baseball mitt or a relationship, if you want something to last, you have to take care of it.

You can have a great life with more than one person, that is, there is no One Perfect Person For Me out there, waiting to be found. Your life will look different depending on which person you pick, but there are a number of people you could have a good life with. When you do choose, that act of commitment, that trust, that forsaking all others, is part of what makes your relationship strong. That choice, that act of choosing, that choosing every day, brings something beautiful to that relationship. To choose to be there, even when you meet a new someone you are attracted to, because you will meet another someone you are attracted to, you’re still human, so be ready for that too.

I’m-with-you-as-long-as-you-make-me-happy is not a relationship to be aspired to.

…This morning, my husband and I decided to carve Sunday afternoon out for ourselves. Date-Day. All that talking with my daughter reminded me that I need to curate and nurture my own relationship. Too easy to get too busy.

What do you think, Mamma?  How did I do?  Anything else you think I should have told my girl?  We’re going to have another long ride tomorrow; I expect it’ll come up again.

With love,

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Should I go see Fifty Shades Darker?

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No. And here is a quick write-up by a psychologist to tell you why.

http://l.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.miriamgrossmanmd.com%2Fan-open-letter-to-young-people-about-fifty-shades-of-grey%2F&h=ATNRY6oKdhMeuF-RjmApz3vg0oC5riKWAnJ3NjOD66hsg80gSLcYq5mkAuQrrvwOq0uTsdCuvSh-c4Es9Uju_rYTxiSZ8N2K14emSqwuPN8sdDntBg-7HyhaugJ1A6J6Q3oJdA

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Christmas, Household Management, Stay connected with kids, Work
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How do I make my life work?

Christmas, Household Management, Stay connected with kids, Work Leave a comment

Good morning, girl.  Happy Friday!

What do you need?  What does your family need?  How can you get that?

Forget usual, forget normal; I vastly prefer this-works-for-me to any clichéd vision of whatever we are ‘supposed’ to be doing.

I took yesterday off and made Christmas cookie dough with my mom.   We mixed it and rolled it and froze it; four different kinds.  You see, I can look ahead to the coming months and I know I won’t have time to make cookies, so I do this.  They may not be as perfect as cookies freshly made on December 2nd, but I’m looking at December 2nd and there won’t be time.  So, this-works-for-me.

I get up at four in the morning so I have time to read, write, pray and get a run in before my family wakes up.  I can’t stay awake past ten at night.  Wine is a rare luxury in my life.  This-works-for-me.

When I’m out of town, I leave business dinners/parties/events to call home for an evening blessing with my kids.  They give me the update on their days and we say our nightly Irish blessing together even if I’m three time zones away.  If it’s an important meeting I’ll step out quietly and quickly, call my kids, and then come back in.  I try to be quiet about it, but I’m sure there are people who think I’m some kind of weird religious nut or overly involved mother for doing this.  Don’t care.  My kids love it.  I love it.  This-works-for-me.

You know what you value, you know what fits and what won’t.  You have my permission, right now, to jettison everyone else’s idea of what you are ‘supposed’ to be and do what works for your family. 

If using paper plates will give you twenty minutes of no-dishes to read out loud with your kids, use the paper and no guilt.  Grocery delivery service may feel like a luxury, but I’ve found I actually spend less (way less) when I order online instead of wandering the isles at the mercy of the food marketers; more importantly, I need that hour.  I put my make-up on in the car, I missed every one of the ‘grown-up’ parties I was invited to this summer and I’ve been to book club once in three years.  I have caught up on email, in the stands, during half-time, at an eighth grade basketball game.

I have discovered what I value:  time with my kids, time with my husband, time to work-out.  What do you value?  How are you going to protect that?

There are only so many hours in they day, no matter how much we may wish there were more.  

Your family, your life, your rules.  Your happy.

What works for you?

With love,

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Courage, Not what I planned, Stay connected with kids, Work
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My friend

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Good morning, girl. Why do you work? What do you need? What are your trade-offs and is it worth it?

I hope you put together your puzzle pieces to equal some happiness for you.

Sunday I flew out to see a friend of mine. Breast cancer, again. Stage one, stage three, stage four, her doctors aren’t sure and they can’t agree. Her kids are in grade school, her husband is charming and solicitous.

Super-smart cookie, my friend. She made partner (partner!) at one of those fancy California law firms. Brilliant, tough. I sat at her kitchen island and we talked while she cooked. Talked about chemo and wigs and decisions. And talked about parenting.

Six years ago she left her law firm. She had worked on a huge case that kept her from seeing her children awake during the trial for like, three months straight. She would come home at night and look at them in their sleep. Sometimes wake them up for groggy hugs and kisses and hi-mommy.

She asks if I want to know what they were fighting about, that massive trial that kept her away from her children. Women’s fashion. Trademark infringement. She shakes her head.

After that case, she and her husband made a significant lifestyle adjustment for her to stay home with her kids. She had all the things that culture says should make her happy, but she wasn’t. So she changed.

Now, a bare six year later, here she is facing a cancer she thought she beat.

She talks about how she had a chance to home-school her son for a while. She talks about reading and taking karate classes with her kids. She talks about their family vacations in Santa Fe.

“Mommy!” Her daughter pokes her head into the kitchen from the patio door, “Come watch me!” My friend follows her daughter outside and watches her do somersaults in the grass. Pulls out her phone and takes a video. They laugh together. After dinner, she and her daughter snuggle on the sofa to watch the video and laugh together again. Her son shows her Legos and talks about starting on the cross country team.

Look sister, no matter how you live your life, no matter what you do, there will always be someone there to tell you you’re doing it wrong. So forget trying to please anyone else. Construct a life that feels right to you.

Because our time here is limited and our time as parents is so very fleeting. They won’t always want to climb in your lap, they won’t always cling to your legs. Enjoy it while you have the chance.

If you need to work to stay sane, work, and no apologies. If you want to skip the happy hour to go home and snuggle your little bunnies, skip it! If you are in pain every day, find a way to change something. And I know it’s not an easy or simple thing to do, it might not even feel possible. But the price of not changing is too high.

Can you take Fridays off? Can you re-direct some of your family dollars to a cleaning lady to save you those hours? Can you get your groceries delivered to save that ninety minutes? Can you find a job closer to home to reduce your commute? Can you give up sugar or alcohol to have a steadier temper when you are home? Carve out your joy, cultivate it and protect it.

I know, who am I to ask these things of you?

Forgive me. I’ve done this working mommy thing now for more than twenty years. I’ve seen a lot of pain, sister. I don’t want you to feel like you are stuck with a raw deal. I want you to have as much happiness as you can.

Build your joy. Today. Because tomorrow is not guaranteed.

With love,

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Should I stay married?

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Happy Friday, Mamma. Date night for you?

I was laying in bed this morning, not wanting to get up. I have another five day business trip coming up. And then three days away the week after that. I do love my job, but Lord, these times are tough.

So, this morning, knowing I have this time away, I was laying in bed, just being aware of my husband’s presence, just feeling his skin, his warmth, the bulk of him. Pressing myself close to him to try to soak up as much of us-together as I can. I am grateful for this man in my life. Grateful for this good man, this full partner, this dear friend.

Yesterday, he cleaned up dog throw-up. Twice. Before breakfast. That’s a man worth being married to, my love.

We are in a really good place right now. We laugh, we play, we trade-off making dinner. I do the bills, he does the laundry. I understand when his yes means yes, and when his yes means I-don’t-want-to-but-I-will-if-it-means-that-much-to-you.
If you’re not there right now, can I encourage you a little bit?

My good man and I had some tough times too. Reeeeally tough times. Marriage isn’t easy. Not even marriage between the two most compatible, wonderful folks in the world, which we are not. Spend your life with someone and you’re going to have good times and bad times. Horrible, sucky, I-don’t-understand-you-and-I-don’t-know-if-I-want-to-be-with-you-anymore bad times.
Thank God we stayed together. Really, thank God, because I cannot imagine my life without this man.

I had some remarkable friends who saw me through that awful time. I leaned on their strength when I had none of my own left. “What is your promise worth?” asked one in the quietest, most unjudgemental way possible. Another just told me that failure was not an option, that we were good people and we would get our marriage back. Another pointed me to Corinthians in the bible and asked me to look at myself, what was I giving? A male pastor I had turned to for guidance sent me a book to try to understand the male mind better (and it did help).

(And this: If he is abusing drugs or alcohol, beating you or your children, or cheating on you repeatedly, you leave, and get yourself a great lawyer and a big dog, got it? But if you are with a good man and the two of you are just not meshing right now, keep working at it, it’s worth it.)

This partnership my husband and I have today, this fun, silly, hard-working, sexy, respectful partnership that we have today – it was forged in the kiln of mutual sacrifice and continued effort. And it is a beautiful thing. Our kids see this. They feel safe and loved.

I am so grateful for it.

Nothing good comes easy. And a good marriage is the deepest, most profound, life-giving good.

With love,

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Courage, Goal setting, God, Mamma and God, Maternity leave, Not what I planned, School for Mommy?, Stay connected with kids, Work
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Why is it important to commit

Courage, Goal setting, God, Mamma and God, Maternity leave, Not what I planned, School for Mommy?, Stay connected with kids, Work Leave a comment

This is a fifty minute video. I have never before posted anything I thought would take you more than 10 minutes to read/watch. This one is worth it. If you need to carve minutes out, the funny intro comments stop at about 4 minutes.

Take the time, Mamma. This one is so very worth it.
http://www.aspenideas.org/session/four-commitments-choices-create-your-life

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Husband, Not what I planned
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marriage is hard

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Happy Friday, girl. Date night for you? Date morning maybe?

I had two friends separate from their husbands this month. Heart breaking stuff. I know exactly the meat grinder this next year will be for them because I’ve lived it. And no, I’m not talking about Angie, although I mourn for her too.

Tend your marriage, darling. Tend that main relationship in your life. It’s just too easy to take it for granted till you’re so far down the road you don’t know if you can find your way back.

And, just to be clear, I am not in the never-divorce camp. I have advised other friends, because of spousal drug use, serial cheating, or abuse, to leave and get the best attorney they could find. And a therapist. And a big dog.

But, for the majority of us, we should stay. We should stay and make it work because we are married to men who are trying. Don’t take that for granted, sister. Not every man is willing to try.

And I know your man’s not perfect. No, I do, I know that. Because he’s breathing. There is no perfect. Sorry, Cindy, there is no prince.

But then, actually, on second thought, there are princes, aren’t there? The guy who goes to the grocery store at 6 AM for milk. Prince. The guy who cleans up the throw-up, or dog poop, or who scoops the disgusting, rotting leaves out of the gutter to keep your home nice. Prince, prince, prince. The guy who will sit and have tea with your four year old, or play basketball with your preteen after a long day at work. The guy who makes dinner or breakfast or school lunches. Royalty, I’m telling you. The guy who goes to a job he doesn’t love to get the money to pay for food and house and ever-larger pairs of shoes for all those little feet. Is any of this sounding familiar?

I know this is hard. I know that there are ways you’ve been disappointed. I’ve been divorced and remarried and I’m telling you, there is no perfect. Saying my vows the second time was so much harder because I knew what I was getting into this time.

I’m a better wife this time around. I ask for what I need instead of fuming that he doesn’t know. I know now that sadness and fear look a lot like anger in a man. I try to figure out what he needs instead of assuming he is being unreasonable. I do not indulge in that most destructive pastime of dwelling on his faults. When I find myself doing that (because I’m human too and it’s so horribly delicious to just tick off the ways he’s wrong and you’re right, isn’t it?) I stop, and force myself to acknowledge the ways that I’m wrong and imperfect too.

Marriage is work. And it’s worth it.

Date night. Go for a walk around the neighborhood. Sit on your front stoop with a beer or a glass of wine and talk about the day you met. Laugh about the funny things that happened when you were dating. Talk about the ways he’s a great father, or a great lover. Put a fire in the fire pit and lay your legs across his lap. Tell him what you respect about him. Every good thing he’s done, tell him, let him know that you notice. Talk about the awesome life you are building together.

Feed your marriage, darling.

Life is easier with two grown-ups. Life is easier when you have a partner who has your back. You picked this wonderful, imperfect guy for lots of good reasons, right? Remember those.

With love,

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Life is short. Go Play., Parenting
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Our actions are where our values become apparent

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Good morning, Mamma, happy Monday. Back at it, yes? As we head into our weeks, can I ask you to take a minute to review the weekend, the upcoming week and what you have planned for next weekend? Are you living your values?

Tough question, isn’t it?

If an objective observer were to follow you through your day, what would they say you value?

Another tough question.

But so important. There will never be all the time, money and energy that we want. But there can be enough. There will never be a convenient or easy of it for us; but it can be good. Decide what you value, apportion your resources accordingly and then stick to your guns if life pushes back.

It takes effort to live your values. It doesn’t have to be expensive, fancy or complicated, but we do have to make some conscious decisions about what to do and what to cut out.

I gave up a race recently to watch a friend’s toddlers for the weekend. I love her and want her to have a strong marriage, I love her kids, my kids love her kids, and there are not that many people you can entrust your toddlers to for three days. I’ve already had one big, expensive race this summer; I can give this one up and pick another smaller race to do instead, later in the month. Do I have a pang for my big race? Sure, but I still made the right decision.

I gave up my grad school to have the time to home-school my youngest. THAT was a big values decision and not an easy one, but I did the right thing. My career is fine, and, more importantly, my kiddo’s test scores went from the mid-thirties to the high nineties. And, most importantly, he’s happy. Back in a regular school now, but he wouldn’t be where he’s at today without those two years of home-schooling.

Do you could watch a TV show, or go for a walk as a family? Do you go to the Happy Hour, or spend those two extra hours with your kids? Do you hand kiddo an iPad or pull them up onto your lap to read books out loud?

Our actions are where our values become apparent.

Decide, Mamma. Decide and then pursue your life with passion. Don’t let anyone tell you it can’t be done. Don’t let any negative sarcastic somebody rain on your parade.

Go, live it, girl.

Live it in such a way that when you look back at the lovely mess that was your life, (no insult intended, everyone’s life is a mess, girl, this stuff’s not easy or tidy) you have no regrets.

With love,

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I need to have more fun with my husband

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Hey, Mamma. Happy Friday! Countdown to the weekend!

This morning my husband said, “I miss you.” I know I’ve been gone since Monday, but I also know he’s talking about more than that.

It’s been ages since we’ve had a dress-up, go-out, wear-the-high-heels date night. An us-as-couple night. And we need one.

Now, yes, our family is great. All the kids are healthy, the cars are working and the fridge is full. The lawn is mowed, the bills are paid (mostly), and we’re up-to-date on everyone’s sports and school schedules.

But.

The go out and be a couple thing.

The nuzzle him and be sexy thing.

The have wine and laugh and remember why you married him thing.

We haven’t done that in way too long.

So. It’s Friday. I have a whole weekend. And so do you. (And if it won’t fit, you have next weekend.) Let’s plan a little something to keep the home fires burning, eh, Mamma? The best thing we can do for our kids is to have a solid marriage. And to have a solid marriage, we have to remember to have some fun every once in a while.

Wear the dress. Wear the heels. Smile at him like you used to. Go for a walk this sultry summer night and remember what brought you together in the first place.

And enjoy.

Happy date night, Mamma.

With love,