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Tag Archives: Daycare

November 9, 2017
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christincrollcarlson
Household Management, Husband, Maternity leave, Parenting, Stay connected with kids
connecting, Criticized?, Daycare, kids, support

Be there

November 9, 2017 Household Management, Husband, Maternity leave, Parenting, Stay connected with kids Leave a comment

Good morning, Mommy. How are you? Happy Thursday.

So there’s this book out there now, perhaps you’ve heard of it: Be There.

It is a book about how it is crucial for moms to be with their kids from birth to age three. Awesome, another reason for me to feel guilty.

I haven’t read the book. I did talk to the author on a national radio talk show.

Here’s what I said to the author:

1) Not every woman gets a choice about whether or not she’ll stay home. I got four weeks of maternity leave and then had to go back to work, SOBBING through security at the airport. I had to go because I made ten times what my then husband did. We divorced shortly thereafter and then I REALLY had to keep working. I found excellent childcare for our son; I hired nannies who also had toddlers to come into my home; my son had someone to play with and I got the nannies for about half price since they didn’t have to pay for childcare by working for me. I didn’t have furniture, but who cares, I had great care for my son and the furniture showed up eventually.

2) It’s perfectly fine for Daddy to stay home. (The author had said that daddies have a different energy, much more about playing and less about nurturing.) My now husband stayed home with our kids for six and a half years till our youngest was three and could go to Montessori. Our kids still love me and they are the most athletic, fun-loving, gritty (and I mean that in a good way) kids you’d ever want to meet. They are active and brave and outdoorsy, and I give much of the credit for this to my husband.

3) Not every mother is cut out to stay home and they shouldn’t be guilted into doing something they are not happy with and won’t be good at. This will not make for a peaceful or a happy home. Grandma, Daddy or an excellent, carefully chosen daycare can all be great options for moms who would get cranky and resentful if they stayed home.

I will read the book. I feel I owe it to her after talking to her and she and I do agree that mom should BE THERE when she is there. I’ll let you know what I think.

Have a great day, Mamma. Build you life in the way that works for you and your family. To the best of your ability and resources. And love your kids. It will be fine.

With love,

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April 17, 2017
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christincrollcarlson
Household Management, Maternity leave, Parenting, Stay connected with kids
Build trust, Daycare, Family dinner, Household Management, Maternity leave, parenting, Perfection?, Priorities

Can life as a working mom work?

April 17, 2017 Household Management, Maternity leave, Parenting, Stay connected with kids Leave a comment

Good morning, Mamma! Ready to get back to work? How was the weekend? 

About a million years ago, when my daughter was still a toddler, a wise and wonderful woman told me not to assume our relationship would fall apart when she became a teenager.   Expectations. So powerful, aren’t they?

Over these years, when I feared that we were drifting apart, I would remember that advice and then think, “No, this can work, what do I have to do to get back where we want to be?”  And daughter and I would go for a walk, or I would tell her I knew she needed her independence, she didn’t have to push, or my husband and I would explain why she was going to be disciplined and that we knew she could do better (that one not often, thank God.) 

What do you expect from your life, working-mamma friend-of-mine? Expect it to work, girl, because it can. 

The work-life balance is tricky, I don’t have to tell you. But it can be done.  (Now, to give credit where credit is due, my husband stayed home for six years when ours were little, so we didn’t have to slog to find great baby daycare for our last two like we did for our oldest son. Is that part of why our kids are healthy and happy?  We’ll never know, but it is how we balanced it then. We balance it differently now.)

How about my friends who work alternate shifts so that their kids are in daycare less hours per week?  Or where she works from home?  Or where they both mom and dad work off site and Grandma, daycare and auntie share the childcare?

Mothering is a million tiny things that add up to a life.  The good news for all of us it that we get to pick our million things, most of them. 

Do you look at them when they need you, or are you looking at your phone?  Do you have meals together?  I don’t care if the meal is rotisserie-chicken-on-a-paper-plate, or toast-at-breakfast or meet-them-at-school-between-business-trips (done all three of those)… do you eat together?  Do you touch them and smile at them?  If their kindergarten teacher asked them what they liked to do with you, would they have an answer?  And can they believe you?  Do you do what you say you’re going to do?

I look at this list, and I give myself, on balance, maybe a B+.  I’m straight A’s in reading to them before bed, loving them like crazy, making it to their athletic events.  I’m an A- on birthdays.  And probably a solid C on avoiding my cell phone when they are trying to talk to me (ouch).  Doing what I say I’m going to do… B+, maybe.  And yet, they love me.

Life. Messy, isn’t it?  But, you’ve got everything it takes to make this work.  You do. Decide what matters, shuffle-adjust-manage, apologize as necessary.

And, thank God, life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful.

Expect wonderful.  Act accordingly. 

With love,
 

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January 16, 2017
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christincrollcarlson
School for Mommy?, Work
Daycare, older kids, parenting, Priorities, Work

How do I choose a school for my kid?

January 16, 2017 School for Mommy?, Work Leave a comment

Good morning!  Happy Monday.  MLK day, God bless that wonderful man.   May we all judge and be judged on the content of our character, period, amen.  He changed our culture.

About a million years ago my husband and I spent six weeks choosing a kindergarten for our oldest son.  Talk about culture.  We visited nine different schools, most of the time surprising the school by just dropping by and walking in.  You would be shocked at how many schools we just wandered into and wandered through with no one asking us why we were there.  And you’d be shocked at what we saw (or maybe you wouldn’t be).

Most schools would let my husband and I sit in on an hour of kindergarten, by appointment.  When we did this, we saw chaotic classrooms, we saw calm classrooms.  We saw teachers who loved active little boys and somehow magically directed their enthusiasm, we saw teachers who clearly couldn’t stand active little boys, who censured them through clenched teeth.  We saw interested kids and bored (or worse, scared) kids.  We would ask ourselves, is this worth a half hour drive?  Is this worth the tuition?  Would our kid thrive here?  Is this our tribe?

Recently, we concluded a six month search for a college for our daughter.  Really, the same process, just longer drives to get there.  College visits, graduation rates, average income of a graduate.  Only this time the kid had much more input in the process.  Do they have the classes you are looking for, can we afford it, what is the campus culture?

We care so deeply about where we send our kids, because the environment that they (and  we) live in will have a profound effect on who they grow up to be. 

Our work environment has a similar effect on us, doesn’t it?  We are affected by the culture of the company we work for, we are affected by our commute, by our boss (less in our control), by travel and ethics and co-workers.  I hope you are happy with your place.  If not, is it time for you to start the search for a new environment for yourself?

You have my permission to be very choosy about who gets you and about who gets your kid.  These are big decisions, no mistake.

Each of your kids is different.  Each of us has a value system we hope that our kids school will support.  You know your kid, you know your values, you know your resources.  Don’t settle, Mamma.  Be the Mamma Bear who demands the right place for your kiddo. 

And, Mamma Bear, demand the right place for yourself too.  Even if it takes months for you to find it and to get there, where we spend our days has a huge impact on our lives.

Find somewhere beautiful.

With love,

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January 12, 2016
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christincrollcarlson
Household Management
Daycare

Daycare

January 12, 2016 Household Management Leave a comment

Good morning, girl. Happy Tuesday. Welcome to another great day in your beautiful life. Ready to hit it?

One of my readers ask me to talk about daycare/childcare/please-will-you-keep-my-life’s-treasure-safe-and-sound-and-possibly-teach-them-something-while-you’re-at-it-care?

This is so massive. The only way we can fully function at work and get through the day with any measure of peace, is when we are confident that our children are happy in their care. If you are worried about the safety or well-being of the very small people who matter most to you in the world, you can’t be peaceful or productive.

My husband and I spent more on childcare, and continue to spend more on their school, than we did on our mortgage. We went without furniture to pay for nannies and that perfect Montessori when we truly knew in our hearts that was what our kids needed. We went without vacations, and new cars. I bought our clothes at consignment stores. We were also blessed over this twenty year parenting marathon to find a great ‘regular’ daycare, and we also sent our kids to a public school when that was the right choice for them.

There is no perfect recipe for finding just the right thing for your kiddo. And what’s just right this year might not be right anymore next year.

When I first started in the daycare-decision-making crucible, I was blessed to have a sister who was a Director for a large childcare company. She had oversight of 26 different daycare centers in a large metropolitan area. What a resource, right?

When time came for me to pick daycare for kiddo #1, she advised me to visit every daycare center within a 15 minute drive from my house. “Just walk in,” she said. “Look around. Do NOT call ahead to tell them you’re coming.”

“You’ll know.” She said.

And she was right. I went to twelve different centers. Homes, churches, corporate franchises. I knew instantly which ones I would trust and which ones I would run from. I knew which ones would welcome my high-spirited son, and which ones would punish him for being a curious, high-energy boy. I could tell who really cared about the kids and who was just punching a clock.

Trust your gut. Don’t care how fancy the building or the price tag or the google reviews. If it feels wrong to you, find something else. If it feels right, trust that too. Mamma Radar is remarkably accurate.

My husband and I also decided that husband would stay home with our crew for a time (six and a half years). He made a huge sacrifice. So did I. And neither of us has any regrets. At that time, it was the best thing for our family. (And my husband claims to be the only man on earth who has defrosted a bag of frozen breast milk in a fast running river.)

Your kids’ needs, your resources, your options for care. Mix and match as fits your family. And don’t let anyone convince you to go in a direction that feels wrong.

Like my sister said, you’ll know.

With love,

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June 24, 2015
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christincrollcarlson
Courage, Goal setting, Work
Daycare, Finding strength, gratitude, Work

Go get it

June 24, 2015 Courage, Goal setting, Work Leave a comment

Okay — quick gratitude list this Wednesday. I love starting my day this way. I love living my life this way, come to that. What are you grateful for?

I’m grateful that my parents valued education. We didn’t have much money (mom was a teacher, dad was a blue collar mechanic/construction worker depending on the economy) but they spent an inordinate percentage of their small income to send my sister and I to a rigorous Catholic school. And then they drove us there, every day. We were buying our clothes at K-Mart and our groceries from a “reclamation warehouse”, but we went to school with CEO’s daughters. Their value system and sacrifice changed the trajectory of my life, and I’m grateful.

I’m grateful my grandmother provided my daycare while my mother worked. Grandma loved me beyond all logic and reason, and I felt it. I can still remember sitting on her lap, dipping my graham crackers in her coffee, while we played Solitaire together. (And you wonder why I love coffee?) Lucky me.

I’m grateful to be third generation immigrant. My people worked. Scratch that, my people WORK. And my people value family. I only know now how blessed I was to grow up in a personal culture like that. My father would ask me every day, multiple times a day, “Is your homework done? Is your school work done? How are you doing in school?” It made me crazy at the time, but I’m grateful for it now. So grateful.

I’m grateful that I was brave enough to take a straight commission job to prove how driven and tough I was when, early in my career, I was trying to break into an industry I had no qualifications for. I succeeded, and it started me on the path I’ve been on for the last two decades. So grateful.

I’m grateful that I sat next to my now dear friend Rob at the HR orientation of my first Real Job ever. “What’s a 401k?” I asked him in a whisper. He looked at me, incredulous, and said, “Give me your paper, just hand me your damn paper.” Sheepishly, I handed him the form. He filled it out, handed it back to me and said, “There. Turn that in.” Rob had signed me up for the employee stock purchase plan (which, five years later, would provide the nest egg I used to buy my first house). He had also signed me up for my first 401K (I know what it is now, Robbie) and I’m so, so very glad to have it.

I’m grateful that whenever someone has told me I couldn’t do something in my life, I’ve taken it as a challenge. Thank God for that stubborn, naive, idealistic streak in me. It has taken me so far.

Make your own path. Work hard. Don’t buy anyone else’s limited vision of your future.

All things, my dear, are possible.

What’s your dream? Go get it.

With love,

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March 5, 2015
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christincrollcarlson
Maternity leave, Parenting, Work
Daycare, kids, Maternity leave, Work

How to choose childcare?

March 5, 2015 Maternity leave, Parenting, Work Leave a comment

How do you choose childcare? We may have to work; we may want to work; but we’ll never work happily unless we are confident that our children are being well cared for. Many women choose childcare centers — but how to choose?

When my son was just over a year old, his daddy and I separated, and later divorced. I had to find childcare because I had to work to buy groceries and keep a roof over our heads. Initially, a young woman I knew and loved agreed to live with me as a nanny for room and board. Later, when I needed to find a center, I turned to my sister for guidance on childcare. Sister, degreed in early childhood education, used to be the director of a national chain’s 36 daycare centers in her state. She told me that some of them were wonderful, and some of them barely legal. She advised me to walk into every daycare within a 20 minute drive of my home and see what I found. Not to call ahead at all, just to show up, walk in and walk around. It took a couple weeks, but I checked more than a dozen daycare centers, and I was STUNNED at the different things I saw. Some of those places haunt me still.

There are lists and lists out there about what to look for in a daycare center. Any list that starts with: “What are the hours? What are the fees?” you can chuck right now. Here’s what matters, based on my sister the daycare director’s advice and my experience of years of daycare for my kiddos:

1). What do you see? During your surprise drop-in visit, when you look around, are kiddos clean and happy and occupied? Or are there four teenagers gossiping in a corner while 24 toddlers run wild on the playground, some in the dirt crying, some with green goo running down their faces…

2). Are the kids safe? How long did it take for them to notice you were there? How long were you allowed to roam free around the center? In one center, I was able to walk right into the baby room and right up to a crib without anyone noticing I was there. The memory of that place still makes me shudder.

3). How are the adult care providers? Do the providers look relaxed and engaged, or angry and resentful? At one center, I wanted to tell the teenager yelling at the toddlers to just step away, I’d take it from here. At other centers, I wanted to sit down and play all day, because everyone looked so happy.

4). Are the care providers trained in first aid? I didn’t really care if they had degrees in childcare, some of the best, most loving care providers my children ever had did not have degrees in anything at all, but they knew children, and loved them. Still, CPR is a minimal must-have for your childcare provider.

5). How do they handle diapering, potty training and food prep? Ask. Ask them to show you. Day care centers are little germ incubators, but good procedures for cleanliness can keep that to a minimum.

Finally, trust your gut. If something doesn’t feel right, run. Mother’s intuition is a real thing, and you have my permission to pay attention to it.

You’ll notice I didn’t mention the fees… I ended up paying a premium for daycare during a time in my life when I didn’t have FURNITURE, and I am thrilled to this day that I lived that way. My son slept on a toddler mattress on the floor, and we had a used loveseat I paid pittance for at a garage sale, and you know what, we were happy. He would run his little turtle scooter all over our bare wooden floors, happy as a clam.

And I could work, knowing he was safe and happy.

Good luck, Mamma. God bless. This is a tough one, and so, so very important.

With love,

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February 25, 2015
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christincrollcarlson
Courage, Not what I planned, Work
Criticized?, Daycare, Finding strength, Frustrated, Girlfriends, Stress Management

I’m having a tough day

February 25, 2015 Courage, Not what I planned, Work Leave a comment

Good morning, darling. How are you today? Some days are a little tougher than others, yeah? Yesterday, on my way home at 6:30, I saw two pizza cars zipping through my neighborhood. “Guess I’m not the only one who had a tough day,” I thought.

Because some days are tough. Husband leaves for work early, and the sink is full of dirty dishes from last night’s dinner. Your toddler cries when you drop him off at daycare, and your heart breaks. Personalities and egos are getting in the way of your team functioning at work, and you feel like your head is going to blow up.

Sigh.

Ah yes, life as a grown up.

You can do this, sister. Yes, you can. You’ve got this; you’ve done it before. These are the days that require us to dig deep and find that extra reserve of courage and strength. It’s there.

And it doesn’t hurt to reach out for some support too. Line up your support system right now, pick three, maybe best girlfriend, work mentor, and mom. Best girlfriend will make you laugh and tell you she loves you; work mentor will give you sage advice and let you know you’re not the first one to deal with challenges putting a functioning team together, and, if you’re lucky, mom will tell you she loves you and bring dinner over later tonight.

Don’t reach for the Twinkies or the Ding-Dongs. Their siren call is about as helpful as it was to the Argonauts. Just sail on by the crap food that wants you to believe it can help you cope, but in reality, will just sap your energy.

And pray. The peace that passes all understanding.

We all have days when we just don’t know if we can go on. And then we do.

You are not alone.

Hang in there, girl.

With love,

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July 31, 2014
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christincrollcarlson
Stay connected with kids
connecting, Daycare, parenting

Reconnecting with your kids after work

July 31, 2014 Stay connected with kids Leave a comment

Good Thursday morning, Mamma!  Kid Connection Day.

You know that moment when you get home from work?  When you show up at the daycare center or arrive back home, you walk through your front door where Grandma or babysitter has been watching kiddo, and first see that beautiful little face?  I love that moment.

That first blast of “Hi!!!  There you are!  My favorite person in the world!”  My kids, when they were little, would catch sight of me and run to me.  Big smile and big hug.  The tears or the stories might come after that, but that first moment was gold – and continues to be gold, even now that my three kiddos are significantly older.  (They don’t run to me anymore, but I do still get the “Hi!!! Mom!  Welcome home!” And I love it.)

It’s the first moment of reconnection.

I try to be careful not to walk through the door grumpy.  That first moment sets a tone, and the tone I want my kids to experience is that I adore being with them.  When they were little, I would get down on my knees when I walked through the door at their Montessori, and hug them and then look at all their little projects done that day.  Smooth their hair, retie their shoes, kiss them and hug them again.  Touch is important.  Real, live attention is important.  That first moment of connection was my priority.   I would vastly rather ignore and offend the other moms there to pick up their kids than to ignore and offend my kid while making small talk with the other working mommies. There is not one of those other mommies I am in touch with today.  My kids will be with me for life.

The times I do regret, were those times I blew through the door fifteen minutes late and grumpy, and let my bad mood knock my kid over before we’d even spent thirty seconds together.  THOSE TIMES I regret deeply, deeply, deeply, even today.  When I would snarl at kiddo to hurry up and see them just deflate.  God forgive me, and thank God it didn’t happen very often.

According to the PEW Research Center, we working moms spend, on average, eleven hours per week taking care of our kiddos.  This is surprisingly just seven hours less per week than full time stay-at-home moms. (We also sleep less, do less housework and have less just-for-me leisure time then they do… you knew the hours had to come from somewhere, right?)  I found these numbers to be quite heartening.  I like the picture of my life that this paints.

So, with my eleven hours, what am I going to do to reconnect with my kids?

Take care to protect that first moment of reconnection, touch them, look them in the eye, listen to them.   Then head home and do whatever it is that your family does.  Dinner, reading, going for a walk before bedtime.  The treasured bedtime routine of bath, jamas and story telling.

Whatever it is, enjoy.

With love,

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June 19, 2014
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christincrollcarlson
Stay connected with kids, Work
connecting, Daycare, kids, parenting, Work

June 19 – Work and daycare

June 19, 2014 Stay connected with kids, Work Leave a comment
Good morning, Working Mommy,The fact that I am once again away from home (hotel this time, not airplane) writing about how to stay connected with our kids has a certain irony for me… (sigh).

Daycare — such an emotionally charged and such an important topic.

When mine were little and I’d drop them off at daycare, I’d sing a little song to them called, “Mamma comes back.” I blatantly copied it from a video called, “Baby Songs” that another working mom, brilliant, caring, wonderful woman, had given me. My kids, now in their teens, remember every word of this song and have talked to me about how much the message meant to them.

My Mamma comes back.
She always comes back.
She always comes back to get me.
My Mamma comes back.
She will always come back.
She never will forget me.

I am tearing up even writing those words again. It was such a wrench to leave them when they were little. When they would cry and ask me to stay. It was brutal. But I (like you maybe?) didn’t have a choice, I was divorced and trying to keep my own house together; I had to work. And I KNEW I had chosen a high quality center (more on that later) and I KNEW kiddo was happy once I left.

So we would sing the song together, our little refrain of reassurance, and it helped.

I’ll post the video and, if leaving at daycare is an issue for you, you may want to get the little DVD “Baby Songs.” It’s $14.97 on Amazon right now and worth its weight in gold, in my opinion.

The quality of daycare matters. A lot. The quality of the place you leave your kids in will have a powerful and lasting effect on them. For you researchers out there, here is a link to a 15 year study done by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development. For those of you who don’t want to read the entire thing, they essentially say that the quality of your daycare matters. This long term study showed that high quality care is generally good for kids, that low quality care is equally bad for them, and that the effects last for years after the kids leave daycare.

My sister used to be the director of a large care-providing organization. She oversaw 36 different centers at the apex of her career. When it came time for me to choose a daycare, she advised me to make unannounced visits and just watch to evaluate the quality of care at the different centers, “Just show up and spend half an hour there. You’ll know.” she said.

Here’s a link to the whole study:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2938040/#!po=0.980392

So choose your daycare carefully, trust your gut, and when your kids are at home, let them know that they are the most important people in the world to you.

With love,

 

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May 12, 2014
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christincrollcarlson
Work
Daycare, kids, Work

May 12 – Hit it!

May 12, 2014 Work Leave a comment
Good Monday morning, Working Mommies!
I hope your weekend was WONDERFUL. Now… just about ready to get back to it? Ready to wake up the little ones and get them dressed and brushed and breakfasted and off to wherever they’ll be going this morning? First order of business is to start our kiddos’ day with a smile, get them off to wherever they will be kept safe and sound today — school, daycare, Grandma’s or maybe they stay home with dad — then, once kiddos are safe, switch our brain into work mode.

I know, the mom brain never completely shuts off, and halfway through that meeting today you’ll remember that Little One has her final band practice picnic on Wednesday and you need to get some kind of ice cream sundae thing to send with her. You’ll either jot a written note in your Daytimer, or electronically in your smart phone and then your focus can return to the boardroom or customer call. But still, we are MOSTLY in work mode at work, right?

So. Monday! The beginning of your week. Time to check out the to-do list, map out the meetings, plan time for each project (adding at least 10% more time than you think it will take) and then HIT IT.

It’s going to be a great week, Working Mommy! Whether your work is rockstar-fabulous right now, or a significant struggle, it still deserves the best you can throw at it from when you show up till when you shut it down today. Go, Mamma, go. It’s in there.

Be brave.

With love, See More

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