Monthly Archives: January 2016

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Gratitude, Household Management, Husband
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Choose to see the good in your marriage

Gratitude, Household Management, Husband Leave a comment

Happy Friday!! Love me some weekend, Mamma. We’re almost there!

I got home from a three day business trip yesterday to find a hot dinner simmering in the crock-pot, kids’ carpools confirmed by Daddy, and to hear about the healthy lunch Daddy had made and packed for the kids that day. I also found a kitchen full of dirty dishes, unopened mail on my desk, and discovered we are out of toilet paper.

Now, looking at the work my husband did and did not do while I was away, I could arrive home and get huffy and sniffy about the mess, or I could be wildly grateful for a man that held down the fort and kept everyone warm and fed while I was gone. I choose to be grateful. I choose to be so very grateful.

He’s not perfect, see. (Big surprise.) And neither am I, come to that. We match.

It struck me this morning that every day in my marriage I could find fault. Every day I could see the mess. I seriously could pick a fight every single day over something or another.

Or every day I could find treasures and gifts. And every day I can be grateful.

I figure my job in this here partnership is 1) to do my part of the work 2) let him know what I need and 3) choose to see and be grateful for the good.

And no, not every marriage is good; if you’re married to a drug addict, abuser or serial philanderer, then I’m sorry and get thee an attorney, dear (and a good counselor), but most of us are married to good guys. Not perfect. But good. Really good most of the time.

Do your bit.

Tell him what you need.

And choose gratitude.

That’s my happily ever after. Yours too?

With love,

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Parenting
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Do I tell my kids the truth?

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Good morning, girlio. Happy Thursday! How do you connect with your kids in the hard times? How do you know how much truth to give them? How strict to be with them? How to help them through inevitable failure and struggle?

Mommying, sadly, isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. And it isn’t even when they get the flu, or when they fall and skin their knees and you have to ply them with kisses and Minion Bandaids. No, those times are easy.

It’s when they get teased at school.

When they ask you if Santa is real.

Or when they dropped the ball or blew the shot that lost their team the game.

When your former husband, their still beloved Dad, doesn’t pick them up for whatever event he promised he’d take them to.

Or when Mom gets sick, really sick. Not sure if she’s going to make it sick.

THOSE are the times that suck, pardon my language, but there are times in parenting that just hurt so much there is no language strong enough to describe them.

Do you protect them? Lie to them to soften the blow? Or do you give them the whole painful truth and help them through it?

Like so much in parenting, of course, the answer is “it depends”.

I’m no prophet. I’m not a psychotherapist or priest. I’m just a mom who has done this lovely and demanding mother gig for twenty years now.

We’ve lived through our share of teasing and truth and failure and illness. Much of the time, those hard times made us stronger, stronger as people, stronger as a family.

Truth, even horribly painful truth, is, almost always, in my opinion, better than a lie. Truth will out, inevitably. In my opinion, best that they hear it from you and that you guide them through it. Age appropriate, for sure, but I’m a big fan of truth.

“Honey, everyone gets teased. It’s not about you, it’s about them and their insecurities. Even so, I know it hurts and I’m sorry. I know one thing for sure though, I know you are strong enough to handle this.” (And then you call the principal and ask for a culture check on the classroom.)

When they asked about Santa, I said, “You know I will always tell you the truth. I will tell you the truth about Santa if you want to hear it. Are you sure you want to hear this right now?” Two of my three kids wanted the truth immediately. One thought and responded, “No, maybe not today.” And went another six months before they came to me and said, “I’m ready to hear about Santa now.”

When my kids fail, I don’t try to blame the other guy or the ref or the teacher. When my son broke the window at church (playing baseball INSIDE the building) he worked to earn the money to pay for it. When my daughter broke a fairly important family rule, she was grounded (she cried, and then, after our conversation, I went in my room and I cried too; I hate disciplining my kids.)

The more horrible truths, “Honey, I don’t know what your dad is thinking. I know he loves you, but I’m sure you feel disappointed and I’m so sorry.” “Ok, kids, mom and dad went to the doctor today …” are many times more painful, but your kids don’t want you to pretend nothing is wrong. They know, in some deep part of themselves, that something’s wrong, and they want to trust that you know too, and that you can handle it, and that you think they can handle it.

Life is hard. Sometimes really hard. Equip your kids to deal with it. Tell them you know they can handle it. Tell them they are strong enough. Tell them that you’ll be there to support and love them. Tell them that life is good, even though sometimes people hurt you.

Building a loving trust between you and your kids, raising kids that know they can handle the tough times, it’s more precious than gold. Harder than sunshine and rainbows, for sure, but just as important.

With love,

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Exercise, Goal setting, Health
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Should I sign up for a race???

Exercise, Goal setting, Health Leave a comment

Good morning, Mamma. Happy Tuesday! How are you? Hanging in there?

I’ve been so inspired this week by friends who are signing up for races of different sorts for this summer. So inspired, in fact, that I signed up for a 5k (May), a sprint triathlon (July) and a 10 mile trail race (September).

I love this. This throwing a goal out there, putting the money down, sticking your neck out by telling everyone you know that you are doing x-and-such-a-race… it’s intoxicating. More importantly, it’s motivating.

Why don’t you try it? Pick something, about 3 months out, something that feels a little scary (remember, the goal isn’t big enough unless you feel a little scared) and register!

Then spend some time today Googling up a training plan (couch to 5k in 3 months). And then bask in the glow of the fear and excitement and thoughts of what a great role model you are going to be for your kids.

Then, one day at a time, get up and get it done.

Here’s a link to a great site that will show you tons of races in your area, wherever you live: http://www.runningintheusa.com/

Yes, you can, Mamma. Don’t let that little voice in your head tell you otherwise. You’ve got this.

And that photo, the one of you crossing the finish line, with your excited kids running alongside you for the last 100 feet, you’ll want to frame that.

With love,

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Stay connected with kids, Work
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Should I take a high travel job for more money?

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How much time with your family is enough? Well, it depends, I guess, but there is, most certainly, enough and there is also not-enough.

The reality of this hit home yesterday when it came up twice in my day. During a lunch strategy meeting, I and two Mommy colleagues got to talking about money vs time. A recruiter had been nosing around, offering a job at more than double the pay with more than double the travel. Not one of us was tempted to look at it.

That afternoon, I met with another colleague who confided that she was dialing way back, skipping a conference, taking Fridays off, resigning from a board she had loved serving on. “My kid needs me,” she said.

(Do men chat like this at meetings? Sorry, I digress…)

I think I’ve talked before about two jobs I had that just about killed me. Both were the highest profile jobs I’ve had in a twenty-five year career. Both allowed me to work with uber-smart people and contribute to ego-boostingly important projects. Of all the work I’ve done, those two positions were, professionally speaking, my favorites. But.

But, in each case, they took me away from home too much. The price was too high for my young family. Ten years later, my kids will still refer to that period in our lives as, “Mom, remember when you were gone all the time?” My daughter gets very tight lipped when it comes up in conversation. At fifteen she started talking about how she planned to manage her education to land a career that would allow her enough time at home; do you wonder why?

There is enough, Mamma. And there is not enough. Only you know what your family can handle. What your kids need. What your marriage needs. What you need.

Choose carefully. We can work till we die, but we only raise our kids for a little while.

With love,

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Gratitude
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Gratitude list, STAT!

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Hello, dear Mamma friend. How are you? I need to take a gratitude break this morning. The last couple weeks we’ve been struggling to get back to routine and I’ve been struggling with waves of inadequacy.

The decorations are put away, mostly. But not quite all.
I’m back to a strict workout routine. But I’m not as fast as I was.
I got my closet and my daughter’s closet and the storage room organized. But the boys’ room is still a wreck.
Work is wonderful. Except I’m not quite as brilliant and productive as I can see I would be if all I did was work.

You see? I know full well I’m not being fair to me. This kind of thinking is not helpful. I know it. And yet it still gnaws at me, weighs me down.

Gratitude list, help me, please? Change my head, let me see the good in what I do!

If you are struggling too, I hope you’ll make your own list. Write it down. On paper even. It really does help.

Okay, ready?

I am grateful for my wonderful, healthy children. I am grateful that they love me. I am grateful that they hug me before they head out the door in the morning. I am grateful that we talk and laugh at dinner. So grateful for that.

I am grateful for basketball games. For that moment when I see in my child a level of skill, passion or determination that I hadn’t seen before. That moment is amazing.

I am grateful for ingenuity. Mine and theirs.

I am grateful for my boss. And my coworkers. Really lovely, lovely people. Talk about wanting to do well.

Grateful for the goofy baby-dog, for whom every moment in life is a chance to play. Straight up medicine, that dog.

I am grateful for almond milk pudding. Surprisingly good.

For kids who fold clothes. And work hard at school. And who need my love.

For the chance to hold my girlfriend’s nine month old baby. That soft little chunkly duckling. She smiled her toothless grin, and chewed on the knuckle of my thumb. Heaven.

For a husband who doesn’t mind working hard. Who sees how hard I work and thanks me for it.

For thick socks and winter tights and great pair of two-tone leather boots. I am grateful to feel pretty and warm.

For friends. For the other women in my life who inspire me every day with their smiles and their intelligence and their warmth. Their energy just lifts me up.

For a daytimer which tell me where I’m supposed to be. For the very smart phone that keeps me in touch with my world. For the chance to put them both away at night and just be a mom in a house with the people she loves.

For caffeine at the beginning of the day. And lavender bath salts at the end of it.

For crisp crunchy snow. For hot cocoa with whipped cream. For toast with melted butter.

For the chance to take on another day and give it the best I’ve got.

… Sigh. There now.

I do feel better. This process is magic, it truly is. How about you?

Have a great day, Mommy. See the good, girl. See the good.

With love,

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Household Management

Daycare

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Good morning, girl. Happy Tuesday. Welcome to another great day in your beautiful life. Ready to hit it?

One of my readers ask me to talk about daycare/childcare/please-will-you-keep-my-life’s-treasure-safe-and-sound-and-possibly-teach-them-something-while-you’re-at-it-care?

This is so massive. The only way we can fully function at work and get through the day with any measure of peace, is when we are confident that our children are happy in their care. If you are worried about the safety or well-being of the very small people who matter most to you in the world, you can’t be peaceful or productive.

My husband and I spent more on childcare, and continue to spend more on their school, than we did on our mortgage. We went without furniture to pay for nannies and that perfect Montessori when we truly knew in our hearts that was what our kids needed. We went without vacations, and new cars. I bought our clothes at consignment stores. We were also blessed over this twenty year parenting marathon to find a great ‘regular’ daycare, and we also sent our kids to a public school when that was the right choice for them.

There is no perfect recipe for finding just the right thing for your kiddo. And what’s just right this year might not be right anymore next year.

When I first started in the daycare-decision-making crucible, I was blessed to have a sister who was a Director for a large childcare company. She had oversight of 26 different daycare centers in a large metropolitan area. What a resource, right?

When time came for me to pick daycare for kiddo #1, she advised me to visit every daycare center within a 15 minute drive from my house. “Just walk in,” she said. “Look around. Do NOT call ahead to tell them you’re coming.”

“You’ll know.” She said.

And she was right. I went to twelve different centers. Homes, churches, corporate franchises. I knew instantly which ones I would trust and which ones I would run from. I knew which ones would welcome my high-spirited son, and which ones would punish him for being a curious, high-energy boy. I could tell who really cared about the kids and who was just punching a clock.

Trust your gut. Don’t care how fancy the building or the price tag or the google reviews. If it feels wrong to you, find something else. If it feels right, trust that too. Mamma Radar is remarkably accurate.

My husband and I also decided that husband would stay home with our crew for a time (six and a half years). He made a huge sacrifice. So did I. And neither of us has any regrets. At that time, it was the best thing for our family. (And my husband claims to be the only man on earth who has defrosted a bag of frozen breast milk in a fast running river.)

Your kids’ needs, your resources, your options for care. Mix and match as fits your family. And don’t let anyone convince you to go in a direction that feels wrong.

Like my sister said, you’ll know.

With love,

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Work
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Needed weekend.

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Hi, Mamma. How are you? I need a little repair work this weekend. Seriously. A little healing from a rough week.

Today and tomorrow, I am going to do what I can today to make my home a warm, loving, inviting place to be. Banana muffins maybe. Laundry for sure. Smile and look them in the eye and ask them how they are doing. Play music. Fire in the fireplace.

Last week was hard. It wasn’t a disaster, nothing horrible happened. It was, in fact, quite a productive week at home and at work. Work was great. At home, I managed to get all the kids to and from all their activities. Laundry got done. I got three workouts in. We even had dinner as a family just about every night.

It’s just… I never FELT quite caught up. I never felt in charge and confident. It was a weeklong scramble. Like it was never quite enough – for work, for kids, for the house or for my marriage.

I know, it was the first week back coming off a golden vacation, right? It was bound to feel a little awkward getting back on the briefcase, run around, where-do-I-have-to-be-this-hour bike. I know it’s inevitable, this occasionally feeling of massive inadequacy. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way sometimes.

That does not make it any more fun.

So, today, I’ll focus on those things that make me feel like a great mom. Things I love, things they love. Whatever my shortcomings of last week, I’m letting them go. Clean slate. Whatever didn’t get done at work will be there on Monday. It can’t have my weekend.

If you had a rough week too, bless you, Mamma. Maybe you can take some time to heal this weekend? Some time to reconnect? Forgive yourself and give yourself time to do something you love, something they love. Do something that makes you feel like an awesome mom.

You can’t do everything; you don’t need to.

Remember, remember, remind yourself daily: life does not have to be perfect, to be wonderful.

With love,