My husband wants me to tell you why I’ve been MIA. Bottom line: I’ve been working through some pretty deep mommy sadness.
Husband asked me the other day why I wasn’t posting anymore and I rounded on him (poor guy, hard to tell where the pain points are sometimes), “Because I feel like a fraud!” I cried, “I wish I hadn’t had to work! I resent the hell out of every minute and hour and day that I missed! Bear Cub (my baby) is 6’3 and he hardly needs me! H and G have their own lives now, and, and, I MISS THEM. Every minute I was gone during their childhood, I can’t go back and reclaim that, I can’t redo it, it’s gone! How can I write blogs about having a great working mommy life when I wish I hadn’t had to work?!”
I ended up in tears, and my husband wrapped his arms around me.
Of course husband reassured me that my kids still need me; they just need me in different ways. The calls for mom are less frequent, but more complicated.
And my kids are awesome. They grew up to be wonderful, happy, productive adults with whom I have close and loving relationships. They are spectacular humans. How can I regret a path that turned out so well?
And I didn’t really have a choice. I don’t come from money, there was no safety net. As a divorced mom, it was work or welfare, not a choice in my book. And when I married my husband, he brought joy, treasured, important, crucial joy into our lives, but no money. I made almost ten times what he did. When we decided who would stay home, there really was no contest.
So. I have a great relationship with my kids, my kids are great, and I really didn’t have a choice.
And yet. I still ache for how much I missed.
Please. Miss as little as possible. Be there for the crucial stuff. Pay attention to them when you are together. Start tonight. In fifteen years time, you will have a hard time conjuring up the name of the boss you are working so hard for right now. But those kids? They are your forever.